Thursday, September 15, 2016

Big Fat Liar

Yep!  That's about how I feel right now.  I feel like I have talked the talk and even walked the walk, but that right now I am completely dragging anchor.  I have been told many times by people that they like to read my blog because it is "real."  It's definitely real.  It's my life.  It's my struggle.  It's my way of maintaining so-called accountability. 

Let's see where that accountability has gotten me recently.  I'm almost positive this is the first post to be released on a Thursday.  It has been two and a half weeks since my last post.  I haven't lost a pound in the last month.  I have skipped two races recently, one due to heat and the second due to lack of training.  I am about to skip a third because there is simply no way I am prepared currently to run another half marathon.  I am down on myself and I am pissed off.

I am mad that I let myself back into old habits.  I'm mad that sometimes I have even been ok with it.  I'm mad that I have been able to play multiple rounds of golf the last few weeks, but I haven't stepped foot in my running shoes to get on the treadmill or head outside.  I'm mad that so many people have been proud of my efforts and for the last few posts I feel like I have been letting not only myself down but them as well. I'm mad that I have only run twice since I started coaching cross country.
After our nice float down the White River for Labor Day weekend

I'm happy that I have been able to spend times with friends floating down the white river.  I'm happy that my golf scores have continued to drop little by little.  I'm happy that I have been helping my wife get things done at school.  I'm happy that I had one of my cross country runners sign up for the Indy Mini-mini 2 mile run and finish in the top 10.  I'm happy for many reasons, but they aren't covering the fact that I spend too much time sitting on the driveway talking to people and waving to passers by when I could be working on myself. 

You know what really makes me mad!  I signed up for these races with the true intention of lowering my times for those respective events.  I'm mad that I love the feeling of finishing with the crowd no matter how long it takes me to complete it.  I'm mad that I have talked to many people into doing things regarding their health and then I sit back and do nothing with mine.  I'm mad that I am a giant hypocrite!

I just hit reset on my run planner for the Monumental Half-Marathon in November.  I have got to focus on it.  I've been told that it is a nice flat and fast course.  If I don't finish it in a few less minutes than it took me to finish the Indy Mini I'll be a little disappointed.  But, not as disappointed as if I don't make an effort at all.

I've learned a lot about myself recently.  I've learned that I EASILY fall into complacency.  I easily fall into the trap of focusing on things outside of my true focus of myself.  I've learned that I like to relax and that my self doubt can overtake any progress I have made in the past.  I am still roughly 20 pounds below where I started when I began writing this blog, but if I don't fix it now I am going to be right back where I was when I began...and probably worse. 

I am not looking for sympathy, and to those of you that have read my blog from the beginning, please don't say "Oh, you'll be ok."  That's not what I need.  I need a good swift kick in the seat of the pants and a push out the front door.  I need an alarm set an hour earlier in the mornings to attempt to get the runs in before school if possible.  I need a lot.  But, what I need most is to focus on the mantra I put out every time I write this post.  FOOD. FEET. WATER. REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!